Survival game.

I like to compare, I will never deny that. With people that do better or with people that are worst off, makes no difference to me. I don't deny that comparing with people that are better makes me feel like I'm not good enough neither will I not admit that I feel comforted upon knowing that I'm better than some of them out there.

Yes, I'm human. Jealousy, Envy, Sadness, Happiness - all these can't be avoided. I know that so much better than now since I'd a period of emptiness... way longer than anyone could imagine.

So what? That doesn't make me a lousier person. It's comparison that pushes me forward, that motivates me and sometimes makes me do foolish thing that I might regret, that I'd never know. That being said, I'm not a sadistic that only moves forward bcos of comparison. Life's about balance. Know your limit, know where to stop - something which I always fail at, or more like I choose to fail in - letting my laziness take the better of me and throw me off the ground for many, many times. What's worst is that I always let history repeat itself. Yeah, you see, the problem never lies with others, it lies with the fact that you allow others to affect you.

In fact, it's all my decisions that I've made in the past 19 years that made me who I am today. Slightly obnoxious, attention seeking at times, likes muscular hunks, growing horizontally everyday, extreme feminist at times, low self esteem, ridiculous, rude, can be caring to people I love, straightforward. It's hard to say that I love every part of myself cos I don't, yes, I want to be totally comfortable being myself but that would be tough goal to reach. That, I'm really sure.

Yeah, think I drifted off a bit too far, but I like to compare and I don't think it's a bad thing. I know there are people who rather compare to themselves and yes that's a good trait I would want to have and am currently trying...really, but I can't really get over the fact that it's a you-or-I not a you-and-I survival game. I know it can and there are you-and-I survival game, but I've yet to qualify for it, currently having struggles with you-or-I round. But comparing with others will always be what people do unless one is 1) really content with themselves - maslow's hierarchy of needs ultimate level or 2) that lack of self-esteem that makes one thinks that they don't deserve to be compared at all.

Eventually, we all just wanna survive.

Hmmmm, when I was about 8 kg lighter than now, and 4-5 tones lighter.

That's Life.