Again.

2012-01-22T02:11:00.002+08:00

I texted this to teo - "It's not because of the specs, it's because people simply don't give a damn."

Every time I made realizations she's the first I texted, and partly because of the many similarities we have, and the insecurities that made us who we are, we connect so well. We were never in the same school, the people we know are like at world's end, she's living the life of an elite and really, really smart, her achievements are shamelessly long and she's pretty and really smart, basically, all achiever... what's more amazing is that she has a beautiful heart. I am not in love with her or homo or whatsoever, but I'm just overwhelmingly grateful that a person like that is actually someone whom I can pour my heart out to.

Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate the people in my life still, I guessed at some point or another, I took them for granted more often... perhaps because we all used to operate from the same base line. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be treating people like that, like they owed me. Thinking about all these just reminds me that I am really selfish, and so ungrateful for whatever I have now, and that I don't even deserve them anymore.

It's disgusting when you realise that deep down you are not who you think you are. Well, at least I'm evolving day by day. Evolution is natural isn't it? I don't think what's happening to me now is natural though hahaha. I don't think its a bad thing, I just think that if this really is an evolution, being all natural and such, not everyone would be able to accept the it[truth aka reality], let alone hearing it. It's like how we are all living in reality, coated with a layer of sugar icing, namely Fantasy. And only when we got all sick and tired about it, we removed it bits by bits till we see what is originally underneath. A little similar to that all-time favourite phrase - Digging your own grave. Fundamentally, it's the same thing, it's all part of the equation, in the end, just a false dichotomy.

Apologies for the digression, let's move back to the initial statement of this post. Story - I changed my specs, and people I'd knew couldn't recognize me. Situation 1: 5 minutes into conversation I had a question asking me "Where have I seen you before?", 2: After the course of dinner until I told her my identity, 3: walking past one of them and smiling to them. Honestly speaking, I didn't mind initially, in fact, I thought it was pretty cool, as if I'm another person, non-accountable to anyone. Eventually, it got to me though. How is it possible that these people can't recognize me? I managed to convince myself that I just looked THAT different.

Yes, I do mind people not remembering me, maybe it's because I'm really good at remembering names and faces. I'm hardly good at anything but this is one area that I could in fact, be proud of myself even.

It was that very same day that I met my secondary school classmate, which recognize me after not seeing each other for 3 full years and what's more is that, we weren't even close to begin with. Like how 2 other girls in Uni recognize me after not meeting for 2 months. It was that very moment that made me realised what I'd realised.

If people really cared, the amount of time never matters, when the time comes, they will know it. As for those who don't, it's not an issue of forgetting, it's an issue of not remembering in the first place, presumably they simply do not care. I hope I'm wrong, but this time I think I'm right.

2012-01-17T10:01:00.000+08:00

How often is it that one looks into the mirror and became vividly clear that everything that appears is only a mirage?
_

Anw, was reading news and realised that ANGLERS, are not anglerfish fyi, they mean a person who fishes with a rod and a line, the style of angling, so basically it's just a type of fishermen.
_

Went to the UHC to check my eyes, and throat, seriously, as soon as I recovered from sore throat, I had so many CNY snacks within 1 week, I gained freaking 2KG, mind you, 2KG!! and got a sore throat again. And because I stupidly poke my eye with a freaking scissors, it's like damn freaking sore and worsened by my new pair of spectacles which just so happened to have degrees that are too high and landed me with dry eyes that shouldn't be exposed to too much sunlight and no contacts. Don't really care about wearing spectacles to school yeah, just saying it because I know there are girls who'll do anything to get rid of that when they step foot outside of their house, seriously, lame or what. The thing is, ITS CNY!!! Okaye, nuff, it's my own fault afterall. I'm now not even freaking 53 wtf, that's like too good for me now. It's like every CNY I will gain 3kg, and this year it is going to happen twice to me.

Yeah, that's it.

2012-01-15T14:57:00.000+08:00

"Even when it’s easier to be cynical, skeptical, hyper-rational, you keep believing because you know believing in things is what makes them real."

Was hoping that a subject like Sociology shouldn't be made a choice of study, instead, mandatory course for everyone. Especially businessman and businesswoman, it will be such an invaluable lesson for them. Saying that it's akin to General Knowledge wouldn't justify it at all. It brings about amazing views that will allow one to be awestruck with this world again and again. That's the thing with liberal arts, every time you look at it, it surprises you.

Love

2012-01-12T22:23:00.001+08:00

Maybe it's not finding the one who loves you for who you really are, but finding the one who see what you can't even see in your heart.

2012-01-12T12:02:00.000+08:00

Remembered that day, Union Camp Party Night, where all I ever wanted was Potter's Invisibility Cloak to feel right and confident again.

Those few hours were terrible, those were the hours whereby my self-esteem shot right down to basement level 10. Had to text zoetee about how freaking inferior I feel before I could come out. She hadn't spoken many words, perhaps I still had that faith in me then.

Expectations.

2011-12-29T21:03:00.002+08:00

It's funny how my expectations are sky high yet I don't honor my action with my words.

I've heard the gasp when I told people that their scores are not good, in my opinion, and if you don't like it, that's your problem? Why bring it up in the first place? Uh huh, your fault.
I've heard more gasps when I said that 3.8 is what I think is average, and 4.3 is what is considered good to me. That slight-angled smile and judgemental eyes I've seen so often appeared, yet, I can't seem to ignore even though I'm so used to it. I don't like my scores, I think it's really bad. I never knew the results are gonna be that bad?

A - PL.
A- - MA.
B - MKT.
A- - SC.
A- - SW.

Yeah, that's what I EXPECT, not what I got. Reality was far off, far far off.
I'm not trying to put down NTU, but after I heard the results from some of my peers in NTU, I can't help to think that there really is a valid reason why majority chooses NUS? The power of the bell curve is so much more crucial? But that's what I feel, same scores but the effort really differs by such a large measure, that I'm surprised. Of course, this depends on the faculty as well.

Maybe I'm just sore? I don't know. Okaye, we all know, just refuse to admit. I won't forget how she felt so depressed because she failed to meet the requirement for psychology and everything she planned was rendered useless in that split second. That is something I will make sure I won't go through at the end of semester 2 because I have no backup plans and that is one very big risk I'm taking despite all the disagreements I've heard.

God bless me. I'm planning carefully for my modules this semester cos I need my cap to be 4.5 and above to make sure by the end of year 1, I will be in second upper class. It is really depressing when I heard my senior confessed that psychology majors cap score are usually from 3.2 onwards and rarely above 4. I don't wanna be mediocre like that. I hope my belief that interest in the subject will make me do better, and I'm glad that my belief got reinforced by my psychology score this semester, A-, really happy about it. That's pure awesomeness to me - it's like for once in my life, "If you enjoy what you are doing, you will excel eventually.", changed from mere words I've seen to words that I'm able to express personally.

Oh yeah, just realised a few days ago that NUS, which is, 國大，is in fact, 新加坡國立大學, I'm positive that at least half of my friends doesn't know that.

Think this was on the plane back from Bangkok to SG...or was it the other way round?

2011-12-27T12:06:00.002+08:00

You know things are shit when "bad" is just an understatement.

I've NEVER ever say things like that but yeah today, sanity makes me alive, so there

fuck you.
fuck me.
fuck the whole world.

For once, I hope today is apocalypse.

Survival game.

2011-12-22T19:20:00.003+08:00

I like to compare, I will never deny that. With people that do better or with people that are worst off, makes no difference to me. I don't deny that comparing with people that are better makes me feel like I'm not good enough neither will I not admit that I feel comforted upon knowing that I'm better than some of them out there.

Yes, I'm human. Jealousy, Envy, Sadness, Happiness - all these can't be avoided. I know that so much better than now since I'd a period of emptiness... way longer than anyone could imagine.

So what? That doesn't make me a lousier person. It's comparison that pushes me forward, that motivates me and sometimes makes me do foolish thing that I might regret, that I'd never know. That being said, I'm not a sadistic that only moves forward bcos of comparison. Life's about balance. Know your limit, know where to stop - something which I always fail at, or more like I choose to fail in - letting my laziness take the better of me and throw me off the ground for many, many times. What's worst is that I always let history repeat itself. Yeah, you see, the problem never lies with others, it lies with the fact that you allow others to affect you.

In fact, it's all my decisions that I've made in the past 19 years that made me who I am today. Slightly obnoxious, attention seeking at times, likes muscular hunks, growing horizontally everyday, extreme feminist at times, low self esteem, ridiculous, rude, can be caring to people I love, straightforward. It's hard to say that I love every part of myself cos I don't, yes, I want to be totally comfortable being myself but that would be tough goal to reach. That, I'm really sure.

Yeah, think I drifted off a bit too far, but I like to compare and I don't think it's a bad thing. I know there are people who rather compare to themselves and yes that's a good trait I would want to have and am currently trying...really, but I can't really get over the fact that it's a you-or-I not a you-and-I survival game. I know it can and there are you-and-I survival game, but I've yet to qualify for it, currently having struggles with you-or-I round. But comparing with others will always be what people do unless one is 1) really content with themselves - maslow's hierarchy of needs ultimate level or 2) that lack of self-esteem that makes one thinks that they don't deserve to be compared at all.

Eventually, we all just wanna survive.

Hmmmm, when I was about 8 kg lighter than now, and 4-5 tones lighter.

That's Life.

Irony much.

2011-12-21T03:19:00.002+08:00

Wanted to talk about why is it that you will only like the person after the person stopped liking you. It happens to me a lot.

Guess it's what you don't have that you desire.

Unjustifiable

2011-12-20T03:01:00.000+08:00

It puzzles me how something as tangible and replaceable as money will be able to make up the loss of a precious live in people's eyes.

Some things in life are never justified.
Never.

Childhood bestfriends.

2011-12-14T22:15:00.000+08:00

Aloysius. Melody. Dion. I really missed them, one of the greatest regret is not keeping in touch with them after moving from Bishan to Boon Lay.

Change

2011-12-13T14:32:00.000+08:00

It is not the fact that people change that we can't accept. It is the fact that the changes that had taken place wasn't what we had expected to occur.

It is ourselves that we find so much difficulty to come to terms with. So stop blaming others, stop finding fault with people, learn to accept and embrace.

That being said, it's always easier said than done.

Truth.

2011-11-29T23:14:00.000+08:00

& then I realized, at the end of the day, it wasn't anyone's fault at all.

The problem lies somewhere deeper, darker.

See how it happens again.

2011-11-29T22:20:00.000+08:00

Bcos we know how you lost it when you lose control.

God damn it.

2011-11-28T23:55:00.000+08:00

Dude, you are srsly way too annoying.
Am amazed at why or even how, can someone so small [ okaye, not excatly ], be so hugely irritaing.

Hehe.

2011-11-26T23:57:00.002+08:00

I think I like you. hahahaha.

Indescribable.

2011-11-26T00:15:00.001+08:00

If you could read my mind...

<3

Sanity.

2011-11-22T19:07:00.001+08:00

Wna cry so badly now, I'm insane.

Down memory lane.

2011-11-20T19:28:00.002+08:00

It's been a while.

I thought of you & I laughed. Guess that foolishness I had then was really...unexpected.
Memories, look at the effects you are capable of on people like me.

Heart fluttering, hahahahha!

Hopeless.

2011-11-20T19:02:00.000+08:00

So disappointed.
The tears alone wouldn't be enough to justify it, ever.

Migraine.

2011-11-20T01:19:00.000+08:00

1 day - 26 chapters to clear. 2 mods.

I'm just gonna do whatever I can do. But my incompetent brain isn't coorperating with me at this point of time. It's hurting so badly.

Desires.

2011-11-16T08:57:00.001+08:00

Just grant me abosolution for my sins.

Serenity.

2011-11-13T20:15:00.001+08:00

Staring at it for the past 3 hours.

2011-11-10T00:10:00.001+08:00

I wish that my route won't be like that,
for now...

Did I mention that from 17th-24th, I have one test EVERYDAY. & I'm not even 1% prepared for it. My life's a joke. Having v bad sore throat & here I am munching on Lays, Doritos and god knows what junkie I can find.

Really grateful to the amazing people I have out there, am so lucky to have them. really.

I wna talk to Claire so badly.

Genius, not.

2011-11-08T22:34:00.001+08:00

No wonder dumb people nv succeeds.

Come to think of it, It's not an issue of intelligence. It's an issue of Me being Me.

Method 1.

2011-11-07T15:53:00.000+08:00

& All I did amidst this chaos is to sing.

1 + 1 = 2

2011-11-05T12:53:00.000+08:00

I srly not gonna study.

That doesnt mean Ive given up.

I'm just not gonna study.

Core.

2011-11-04T20:30:00.001+08:00

I have so much, so much to say.

What am I really scared of, really.

Angst

2011-11-03T16:23:00.002+08:00

This is really bad.

Less than 3 weeks and Im in the worst state EVER. What the hell is wrong with me man.

?

2011-11-01T16:22:00.000+08:00

What am I doing.

It's cold out there.

escapist

2011-10-29T22:35:00.000+08:00

Wanna escape this world for a while, can't leave it behind forever, it contains too many of my diamonds.

Having x-men marathon now, was wondering what superpower would I want most...

Grateful

2011-10-28T03:59:00.000+08:00

It's 4am now, just had my shower in cinnamon college now.

Just wanna say that I'm So glad that I have someone out there so genuine and truthful about her own feelings, showing me her vulnerable side and putting that much of belief in me. Something that is hard for me to even see in myself.

Thank you dear, you are one perfect reason for me to live. Sometimes you made me see the light, or perhaps you are the light. I wished you could see this, but nah, if I ever showed it to you, that will be the last time. I'll rather keep my prayers and gratefulness in my heart.

Love,
JY.

Accident

2011-10-26T18:43:00.006+08:00

Woke at 2pm today, had lunch, and slept at 4pm for nap till 7pm...Before I took my nap, I boiled water...gave me a total shock when I woke up, the kettle became completely burnt.

Lucky I'm alright.

Again

2011-10-25T01:14:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry.

Think I abused the word so much that I don't deserve to use it anymore. It no longer holds that special feeling of remorse and sadness along with a tinge of hopefulness that things would be alright again. Like a path of no return.

Still, I'm Sorry.

Lovely.

2011-10-23T17:13:00.003+08:00

天涯海角，矢志不渝

Can't find a better picture to describe the words, this is the closest I can get.

Change the picture thrice cos I thought this spells my current/desired mood, whichever it is.

Fridays.

2011-10-22T00:23:00.003+08:00

What do you do on a Friday?

My fridays are days where I eat and serve the net. Okay, Let's put aside the fact that I do that everyday to a much larger extent than others as well.

When I say "eat", it meant non-stop eating, and when I mention "serve the net", it meant serving the net till next morning whereby I will only stopped after I finished my saturday morning breakfast. Talked about unhealthy habits. Seriously, I don't boast about my eating habits? I naturally [ or rather, habitually ] developed a ginormous appetite. 3 bowls of rice + 2 bowls of noodles + toasts + snacks is not a problem for me at all? Regardless of any meal of the day. Don't get me wrong, I don't eat THAT much for all my meals, I'm just illustrating how big my appetite can go. I've been binging A LOT these days. I'm actually trying to reason it with me being stress...

And this brings me back to the same issue again, I'm so tired of saying it again and again so I shall move on to something new. I actually started purging my food. OKAY, I know binge and purge is equivalent to being bullimic. I'm not bullimic [ sadly, okay, I was just kidding, don't ever want to be bullimic ]. The feeling is really terrible, I can't understand why people are able to do it all day. It's like putting your toothbrush all the way into your throat, the kind of sound you will hear, your stomach gets upset and starts churning, salivation of stomach acid, and then the whole process repeats with each step getting more intense and it only stops when the person decides to. I swear the whole day my stomach felt weird and I had no appetite AT ALL [ that is pretty amazing actually ], but I had all my meals as usual to prevent further upsetting. It felt the food was on the way up instead of going down. At the end of the day, why am I doing all these? Who and what am I doing it for?

I know the answer too well...[ not boys issue and it's so much more than the level of confidence and self-esteem attached along with it ] ---> same old issue.

________________

Anyway, I was exposed to this issue - Hit-and-run accident in China, just this morning and am utterly disturbed by it. The first thing that came to my mind after the expected disgust, was that the fear of being responsible is so deep that it penetrates right into our soul, proven by the fact that shedding responsibility becomes so much like an innate ability. Coincidentally, this week's psychology tutorial was on "Obedience", how authority is able to make one go against morality, how true is it that human beings are innately evil. I know that using the effects of the context is one usual explanation. How far can we continue using the environment or the context to validate the "evil" behaviours? If not, what are the possible explanations? I guess I have to do a considerable amount of homework before I can figure this out. Or maybe figuring out is not possible, "understanding" would be a much better term.

After reading the experience of the chinese writer [ http://globalspin.blogs.time.com/2011/10/20/a-small-incident-echoes-of-the-chinas-tragic-yue-yue-case-from-almost-a-century-ago/ ], I start to wonder if I will do the same thing if I was one of the passer-by, and then subsequently got disgusted and horrified by my own thoughts. I know many would give a firm, definite, zero hesitation answer - "No." But honestly speaking, how do you know if you were put into that situation?

__________________

By the way, I really, really want to post a happy post, but I don't even know when do I truly feel happy nowadays. I used to think that having such thoughts would make me seem like I'm pathetic, or "poor thing" as some others would label me as. These days, I'm fine with all these thoughts, I'm actually accepting it... why torture myself so much right? But sadly, one sentence still resonates with me - "There is so much sadness in you." I couldn't remember when or who this sentence was said to during one of the sessions, but the very fact that it stayed with me till today proves that it resonates within me.

_________________

Always looked back at the title of the post and realized that without fail, I will stray from the things/ideas/people that I wanted to talk about, and eventually lend on the same old issues again and again. I am going to call claire, have a chat with her, and most importantly for me, learn how to put the past behind and move on.

I think I deserve some credit, I don't care what others think about it but I really think I deserved it HAHA, beyond all these internal [ plus external? conflicts ] I'm still putting one foot in front of the other.

p/s: Need to be responsible and promise to write out the stuff so that Alex [ mocked name ] will have some ideas on what's going on and how to solve the issue, hopefully. Btw, what does p/s means? Okay, I shall just google it, need to stop the solo conversation going on here LOL

What's the difference then?

2011-10-16T22:57:00.000+08:00

It's not that I'm not happy with life, ya know?
I'm very grateful for whoever and whatever I have now.

It's a different story...
I think I don't deserved them.
___________
MY WORK!!!! DAMN.

It shouldn't be like this.

2011-10-16T21:30:00.002+08:00

I wouldn't say no one would understand. It just happened to be that they don't happened to be around.
___________
Gg to bathe and finally start doing my work that I owed 3 weeks ago, a hell lot to catch up.
My problem.

Tears VS Pride

2011-10-16T01:21:00.001+08:00

I can't even remember the last time I truly felt happy... reminded me of that monday night. Was just wondering if I had agreed in the first place, would things turned out to be different?

Perhaps that connection would have been gone. Perhaps I would have picked someone else. Perhaps the question would have been entirely different. Perhaps there wouldn't even be tears for the very first time. & then it brought me back to the same question again, my pride is so damn important to me that I only shed tears and broke down for less than 3 seconds before I got my poker face back on again.

Life.
Again & Again.

Time

2011-10-11T18:16:00.000+08:00

totally need a PA, 5 days I have not done a single thing,

-I need to repent.

2011-10-09T00:37:00.000+08:00

Deleted the entire post that I typed.
Im such a coward omfg. Think I've brought the term "coward" to a higher level these days.

New realization.

2011-10-08T01:46:00.001+08:00

Few cared to do something about it then, few cared to do something much about it now.

What does it really speaks of us?

I've just learned a distinction, caring and caring much about something brings different results. It's seen in many phases of my life ya know - how I care about my results but never enough to make myself score well. How I care about my family but always holding on to the reservations I had and not expressing the care that I possessed so much of to them. How I care about my peers but never enough that they take up a higher position than my seemingly "of greater importance" issues. How I care about the responsibilities that I imposed on myself but never enough to be committed to it. How I care about the future so much that I am not doing things right in the present to ensure the realization of the future that I envisioned so much.

How I care about so many things but never enough for one thing.

2011-10-04T14:01:00.001+08:00

It is the people who know our secrets, but still love us anyway.

So I see...

2011-10-02T18:47:00.000+08:00

Omgosh, like seriously, I realised I only like guys that doesn't like me. I am totally not kidding.

Will come back and talk about it more some time later.

expectations.

2011-10-02T01:00:00.000+08:00

It's harsh reality, but i think we are all living on expectations.

I'm almost always feeling disappointment, I've thought about it a lot and realized it's probably due to the immense amount of expectations I've put on others as well as myself.

Personally, I think that I don't portray an image of seriousness and someone who has expectations. Even I would associate myself with words like, indifference, laziness, glutton, ignorance. Talking about ignorance, I swear I'm the most ignorant person I've seen, it's disgusting. At the age of 19, how can someone be so ungrateful, reliant and unwise? Oh yes, how can I forget about the fact that I am superficial? I know that judging a person is the worst thing ever, but it's like always happening for me? FOR GOODNESS SAKE, what kind of rights am I entitled to that makes me have the right to judge others? Smarter? Prettier? More capable? None.

Still remember the first time I came across the word "Judge"... that was during primary 6, when a close friend of mine said, "Don't judge others, for others will judge you at the same time." From then till now, this sentence pops up every now and then, but I guess I never really understood the meaning till now, till this year. This year was a really good year for me, the level of awareness that I've developed was really, really amazing. Somehow, I start to understand myself more. It's scary, even now. Initially, I would say that I've gain clarity upon understanding myself. But now, I don't even know if that's true anymore. I'm still tangled in this whole wired mess that I self-created, never able to get out of it for... let's say 6-8 months? The fact that this mess may actually be self-imagined makes me ridiculous.
______
OMFG, my 2 main earholes are closing? what the hell.
______
The experience that make me grow so much will never be forgotten. In fact, there are so many people that I'd wished had the chance to experience it. Not with me though, the fact that I wasn't known made me not having to pretend to be my usual self. I mean, I don't even know who I am. That whatever image I portray is actually my usual self.

Sometimes, I act according to what people expect me to behave so that I can leave a good impression, so that I will be accepted. Sometimes, I act like I'm soul-less and just wandering about, wasting my time stoning, so that I don't have to respond to people and adding worries and issues to my overcrowded brain. Sometimes, I act like a bitch, so that I can make myself feel better, that in fact, I am able to be leave an impression on others at least. The thing is why do I even need to leave an impression on others? Ok well, I've figured that out sometime ago. But I don't have the courage to say it out. I'm such a chicken seriously. No one even reads this blog so why am I even worried? I know the answer too well, so well that I wished I never knew.

That day when tong said I'm someone he can't figure out is still deeply etched in my head. The only one that I'd thought could understand me, couldn't do so. How could I possibly figure it out myself? To be honest, I had that glimpse of hope that he'll said he knew why. But he didn't. Guess I died again that night.
______
wanted to read through the entire post and filter out things which might be weird or nonsensical... but decided not to do so, just for this time.
______

2011-09-29T01:06:00.000+08:00

I am intimidated by the weirdest stuff.

I can't figure out myself well.

2011-09-28T18:35:00.000+08:00

老娘 is the classic case of easy come in, difficult go out. HAHHAHA. I think uni is making my eng worst! Okaye, more like Im making it worst for myself.

Adrenaline rush now, due to some bitch face [bitch is not equivalent to bitch face, people please take note] openly talking about me, thinking that the damn room is soundproof but actually is not -.- I refuse to even catch a glimpse of her because...

1. waste of my time
2. Will develop judgemental thoughts on her
3. Must have been at fault at some point also
4. She might be happy doing it so just let it be
5. She's jealous [LOL, i hope so]
6. my brain has really limited capacity

As much as i refuse to admit, 6 seems like the most reasonable option.

SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, my brain is really hopeless.
_____________________

Was checking my schedule and plans till the end of semester 1, and I'm mortified to say that hell week isn't even here yet for me. Im actually living a pretty serene life you know, It's just that im choosing to mess it up on my own. Not blaming anyone for it[okaye, i think i secretly do blame ppl, BUT I ADMIT K].

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Alright, shall do my mkt project now, and sw proj, and sw mtt, mkt assignment, psy essay, soci essay. ohya, fuck soci HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

Peace.

2011-09-28T01:37:00.000+08:00

It's disgusting to know myself so well.

I think the iceberg theory definitely still holds, its just that my waterline is alot deeper I guess.

On a happier note, I finally understood what that sentence means : D Really took me a long, long time.

2011-09-27T00:55:00.000+08:00

The look.
I want it too man. But I'll wait. I'll wait for the right one to come along & it'll be the best I ever had.

I forget to take a picture with the taxi driver earlier in the evening, he's too nice!!

2011-09-25T12:01:00.000+08:00

I think I've grown alot this year, not physically but emotionally...Although I am able to see the undesired side of human much more frequently, I was able to see the beautiful side in them at the same time. I guess everyone has a tainted past in which they do not wished to show it to people, at least not to those who only appeared to be caring. The important thing is don't let these things haunt you, don't let them influence the choices you are making today, for you only live life once, go ahead and just do it.

Remember

life is one shot.

2011-09-24T12:43:00.001+08:00

and i think the websites that i have been frequenting has been influencing my thoughts LOLOL.

EMO SHIT.

2011-09-24T12:42:00.001+08:00

Gg out now for stuff and i'll see how things goes at night!

2011-09-24T12:05:00.001+08:00

God.

2011-09-23T22:15:00.002+08:00

Understanding & knowing is not a dichotomy. Sg students need to get that right. Sg education system need to get this msg across the students.

We ought to start learning, right here, right now.

2011-09-22T09:13:00.002+08:00

really not cut out for studying. sigh.

2011-09-22T02:16:00.001+08:00

Not kidding, im really scared for psy mtt.

2011-09-21T17:58:00.001+08:00

OMGOSH, SO DAMN SAD NOW

2011-09-21T02:50:00.002+08:00

Reading really beautiful words now

<3

"much more concerned with the being than the shell.
shells are always just a symptom of something deeper."

words of a truly wise man.

This guy makes me grow so much, so much.

Eternal gratitude.

2011-09-20T00:39:00.001+08:00

It's a nonsense society, seriously.

Neither good nor bad.

2011-09-18T23:13:00.001+08:00

perhaps the reason why i've never felt truly inspirational is bcos of the fact that ive shut down to feeling emotions. Love & pain.

2011-09-18T20:05:00.000+08:00

5 hours to go through 1 webcast. 3 days to go through half a chapter of psy. even though ppl think that I will do well even if its last minute work, I have no faith in myself this time round.

I have teachers telling me that he dont want to teach me this because its too complicating. I have teachers telling me this is not important so I dont need to touch on it and waste time. I have people telling me just study for it and get the grades. Ever since I enter JC, I hated the education system, partly its because of my own inability to do well so Im putting the blame on to other channels that may seem possible at fault. But no, I think our education system is corrupted. We dont focus on the real purpose of learning anymore. Qns is, did we ever focus on the real purpose? to think about the real purpose? was listening to steve jobs speech at one of his alma matar's graduation ceremony and it was so inspiring. it reminds me of so many beliefs that I've hold on to since mid 2011 where I attended monday sessions. It died you know, all those beliefs died once I enter uni. but the thing is, it isnt anyones fault. It's just me and my irresponsiblity. unwillingness to hold on to something because im so afraid of disappointment once again.

but the thing is i just have to work hard for 1 year, just 1 year, then i will get to major in psy for the next 3 years and do what i really want in the future. this 1 year will make my life worthwhile you knw. knowing the consequences, im still so timid and lazy to take charge of my own actions and my own life. sometimes, im such a disappointment to myself.

2011-09-18T02:41:00.000+08:00

Adaptability as good as before.

So used to getting ignored.

Voices unheard.

2011-09-15T21:23:00.000+08:00

Told ya,
I never learnt.

Feeling depressed now, why so unsmart.

2011-09-15T12:59:00.000+08:00

I feel so much like a failure...BUT no, I'm not giving up. Am in no position to give up, & have never given up before.

Everytime I developed such negative thoughts, I recalled the intuition exercise I had with janice, so powerful, so amazing, & most importantly, so true. Even though Truth is, I know at some points I did what I had to, to get to that desired results.

2011-09-13T07:04:00.000+08:00

I know it sounds funny, but I secretly always wished that there's a genius in me, dormant, waiting to be activated.

I'm still waiting for this to happen.

-

I wished I had no corpus callosum, or better - a larger corpus callosum.

Always wishing for the impossible.

2011-09-12T01:16:00.000+08:00

It runs out that my self thought oh-so-good idea is not so good afterall.

-

Hmmm...reading up on schizophrenia, mathematicians, fbi and criminal justice. Everything Im not supposed to be doing, Im doing it. Watching a math documentary as well. LOLOL. Gonna rewatch batman 1 & 2. Im gonna guilt-trip myself later so that I can get some work done by this week. PSY MTT AND SA due in 2 weeks time, and I've not even complete 1 chapter. How pathetic.

Sometimes, people just don't understand how its like to be in my shoes. Not that I have to gain their approval or any sort like that, its just Im different, I dont fit the norm, so? How and why does that matter. Ive always been debating with myself about the issue on self-acceptance, still am doing it though.

-

NEED TO SLEEP NOW.
did i mention that once I close my eyes, I dream? Its still happening.

2011-09-11T23:50:00.001+08:00

I WANT PSYCHOLOGY SO DAMN BADLY.

2011-09-11T19:22:00.001+08:00

I realize I have no right to be tired.

2011-09-10T21:01:00.001+08:00

SOCI ESSAY IS NO KIDDING LEH WAHLAO.

But, Ive got 3 really good idea though, thats in my own opinion. If ive evoke a sense of envious/jealousy in you, thats too bad LOLOL.

BUT, its srsly so freaking hard to elaborate!!! AND I CANT SETTLE ON MY IDEA COS ALL ARE GOOD TO ME? LOLOL

2011-09-10T18:14:00.000+08:00

Just because you don't know, doesn't mean it don't exist.

2011-09-07T01:26:00.001+08:00

JUST RMBERED I NV SIGN UP FOR WINDSURFFFFF OMGGGGGGG

SOMETIMES MY BRAIN IS JUST.......

i want archery too!!!

HOW CAN I FORGET SO MANY MANY THINGS??!?!?!?!?!??!!

OMG.
OMG.
OMG.
OMG.

just check my mail and realise so manyyyyyy manyyyyyyyyyyyy manyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy things LOLOL. wish me luck people.

guitar makes me : D , but again, I havent been practicising and damn bad coordination between visual,touch and hearing D :

2011-09-05T00:53:00.000+08:00

There are seriously so many amazing people in this world you know?

I wished I was one of them. I know, "Then be one of them! No one says you can't be amazing you know?" But the thing is, for some people, it's just so hard to have the confidence to believe in themselves. It's not as easy as it looks, it's not like a "look at me and follow what I do" kind of stuff. Some people just won't get it or they might never get it, not solely because they have never walk in that very person's shoes before [ even though I believed experience do play a part ] , I think... it's more likely to be due to lack of perspective?

This is no one's fault btw. I say again, no one's fault. If one was to have someone to guide them along throughout their life, or even if its only a small part of their live, I would say that they are really blessed. I've had that someone once, I know how it feels like. Although I always firmly believed that independency is a good trait that people should developed, letting it down at times and seeking advice from others feel surprisingly pleasant as well. I guess it'd due to pride issue. Okaye, I admit, it's not an "I guess" response, it's a "Yes." response I will never forget Ms Yeo.C.Y. face when she said "How much is your pride worth?!" in that cynical tone that she is infamous for I would say.

..........got so many stuff to write down here but im seriousys gone abit too tired omgggggggggg shall con't typing tmr, provided if i rmb what i ws gg to say HAHAAHA

2011-09-04T22:16:00.001+08:00

Srsly, I keep dreaming whenever I sleep. Even when I nap for 10 mins, I dreamed.

Been reading up on dreams for the past 3 hours, very interesting, and it reminds me of how I was able to carry out lucid dreams twice and I know when is the exact best time for it to happen.

Lucid dreaming is so damn coollllllllllllllllll

and then, sigh.

spend 2 days finish reading my storybooks cos its gonna be overdue instead of my readings?!?! Sometimes I really wanna bang my head on the wall. No kidding.

2011-09-03T23:57:00.000+08:00

Interesting.
Reading a very good book now, heck about school.

& then it got me thinking, who are the authentic connectors? Natural, not practised.

It's like how I believed talent is discovered, not made.

hmmmm........

2011-08-31T22:43:00.001+08:00

I got really tired from being sad.

Btw, I feel really touched today. Simply by people who care. You know how there are some people that seems to know everyone in school and how they are so happening and ups? Always in the latest trend? Well, I don't deny that I used to hope that I can be like one of them too, instead of the plain jane I am. But well, things change.

At times, I sympathize[screw the spelling] them. How would you know if these friends appear because of your popularity/looks/status or is it because they really like you for who you really are? They make friends with you because of a purpose or they want to be of a purpose to you? To be able to make a difference in your life and form true, authentic friendship?

Or maybe me thinking in this way...is just to make myself feel better, to feel less inferior I guess.

Having been in school for so long, I'm getting used to being alone, it's nice. I even have my own corner in school, secret place, it's so serene and peaceful and there are hardly people to be seen, or maybe not even one in sight. I don't like people, especially when I get angsty or depressed, I swear I wanna bomb the whole world LOLOL. Really unstable emotions..and alot of stuff got me thinking.

So what if I'm lonely girl in school? I have really authentic friends where I can open my heart to them, people like lifang. Gosh, I'm so grateful for her existence in the class man. Things would never have turned out this way if either of us were absent that session. Fate I guess.

Actually, all these things that I've talked about had actually been made aware to me long long time ago. But I've always act like all these didn't matter but in reality, I care so much. Now, what really matters is what I do about it to change my feelings towards it.

2011-08-30T00:48:00.001+08:00

I AM, REALLY, REALLY THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL TO PPL WHO CARE.

THANK YOU,
REALLY.
THANK YOU.

<3

2011-08-28T20:51:00.001+08:00

Sad to say, but Im srsly v free?

LOLOL.

fml.

2011-08-28T00:11:00.000+08:00

& then I've been thinking for the past 3 weeks what have I been doing...
..........
I can't rmb.

2011-08-27T23:00:00.001+08:00

Bcos tears are meaningful.
It shows that you care.

2011-08-27T00:51:00.000+08:00

Just because others are like angels doesn't mean that you have to be one. And you not being an angel, doesn't mean that you are a devil. So what are you? Always neither here or there. Is your existence even important to anyone?
But in the first place,
why do you need to be somewhere?
why do you want to be remembered?
why do you want to be important to someone?
Im sure behind all your actions, that's something you want out of it. A desired result.
Fame?
Attention?
Recognition?
Honestly, I don't think so. Maybe, maybe that's what you really want. But I see more. I think it's care and love. Sounds cliche isnt it?
Simple basic words like such might just be the most imporant and signifant words in your life. Maybe that's why we were taught of it at such a tender age. Though not able to fully comprehend it at that point of time. As a kid, we probably associate those words with positibe traits that we would like to have, and would want to have, im sure at some point in our life we will ge to experience it. But the thing is, how true are these feelings? How sincere are they? You never really know.

So what if you don't possess any positive traits and are made up of bad traits? What does it mean? Does it mean selfish self-centred arrogant bitch? Jusr another average plain jane? I dont think so. So what is it? What are you? What am i?

What are you really and what am I really?
& what's so wrong about not being right?

2011-08-27T00:41:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry for feeling this way, I really am. I can't help it. So many times, I told myself to not be like that,
to be non-judgemental of people,
to be accepting,
to learn to be myself,
to be authentic,
to be truthful,
to keep in mind that sentence that has changed me...
but things aint working well.
It's not about the issues, the underlying problem is me.
It's the same thing again you know.
The only difference is that, things are getting worst.

2011-08-23T13:02:00.000+08:00

I need to learn how to accept the present & move on.

I need to learn how to accept people wholeheartedly.

I need to learn how to take on responsibility & honor those words with my actions.

I need to learn how to accept the way I am.

I need to learn how to love myself...in order to learn the above.

2011-07-20T00:10:00.001+08:00

You know, sometimes it sucks to not have your own opinion and get lead on by others.

2011-07-09T21:34:00.000+08:00

I feel so damn upset I can cry while typing this. At times like this, I really wished I had talent for dancing/I pick up dance at a younger age. SRSLY, Im dying. And every other person has got experience in one way or the other, but me?! I swear every other person can dance man, THEY CAN DANCE! I have no idea what am I doing at all. Initially I thought Im not the worst student, as in in learning capability LOLOL, BUTTTTT N-O-W, I think I am. and you zoe woman, you can catch up la D : Things were going on fine until red, yes red, you red, lolol, switched me with amanda. From then on Im like freaking conscious of my own actions and his assesments/assertions of me, I TOTALLY PANICKED AND FORGOT ABOUT ALL MY STEPS -_- Sometimes Im amazed by myself, sigh. I FEEL SO UPSET OMG ITS ON MY FACE U KNW. Its obvious that I cant and wont hide my feelings, everything was made obvious by my face sigh. I mean sarah was like trying to make me smile throughout, and megan kept asking me if Im fine, sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I felt really really useless at that point of time, to the point where I wanna walked out and cry. I know I totally look like I dont have low self-esteem issues with myself, but NOOOO, I HAVE OKAYE. and the fact that my complexion is goddamn fucking gross, isnt helping at all. My whole face is infested with pimples and its not even my breakout period, pimples just keep popping out like nobody's business. I srsly dont understand why they keep popping out you know. I eat like how I eat usually, okaye, junk food and junk food and fried food and fried food and supper and all the spicy stuff, with all the camps, irregular sleep and stuff, okaye, I kinda understand why now. BUT SCHOOL IS STARTING I WANT MY COMPLEXION TO GO BACK TO NORMAL OMGOSHHHHHHHH. okaye, sorry thats not the point. The point is Im actually very stress out by dance due to my own inabilities. sigh.

2011-07-04T20:05:00.000+08:00

I wish people will see beyond the surface, go deeper and know one another better. You know, it's sad that just because we don't show it on the surface that we want people to care about us, people rarely does it. For me, I think I can see a person well, I see their true nature really fast, and I wanna help them. Sad thing is, I don't have the courage to do it. Even talking about it is very tiring for me. Asking for help is really really tough. Pride? Maybe it's my pride stopping me from doing so. It's like living in hell everyday, and then ending up with frustration sigh. Being an escapist is not an easy job you know, not everyone is able to last for that long. It's so true when huixin told me the enneagram states that I only want the good stuff in life. As much as I hate to admit it, that's me. I used to not understand mr tong when he says "the way you do anything is the way you do everything". I swear I was in serious denial when he said that, but yes, he's right. I'm like half-hearted at anything that I do? Nothing I'm interested in will last for more than a month I swear. It gets kind of disturbing when we lingered on the topic of passion. That was the first time I cried in public so badly. Anyway, I was really really surprised when en li picked me you know, I mean I was the only one who connected with her when she said the entire story but it turned out that she thought of me otherwise. I guess it's the image I portray in front of people? Grounded assessments? BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE REALLY DIFFERENT NOW YOU KNOW. Sigh, it's not easy work, I know. I mean 18 years of living in the wrong mentality is sad, letting it carry on is even more depressing, trying to change now is gonna take some time and lots of effort, but I'm sure the results to come will be satisfying.

2011-06-26T15:30:00.001+08:00

i wished people will look deeper.

2010-12-15T15:57:00.000+08:00

im gg to learn sewing by myself first before i join classes!!! i think sewing is cool HHAHAHAHAHAHA

2010-12-12T23:55:00.001+08:00

definitely one place i will visit before i die!!!!

shocking moments in comic book history

2010-12-12T23:42:00.001+08:00

you know spiderman's first gf isn't mary-jane watson? its some unknown low profile gwen stacy!! was she even mentioned in the movies at all?

DEATH OF GWEN STACY

Gwen Stacy was the first true love and girlfriend of Peter Parker, also known as Spider Man. She first appeared in The Amazing Spider-Man #31 (December 1965). In The Amazing Spider-Man #121, the Green Goblin takes Gwen Stacy captive and transportes her to a tower on the George Washington Bridge. Spider-Man arrives to fight the Green Goblin and the Goblin throws Gwen Stacy off the bridge. Spider-Man catches her by the leg with a string of web and initially thinks he has saved her, but when he pulls her back onto the bridge he realizes she is dead. Peter is unsure whether the whiplash from her sudden stop broke her neck or if the fall killed her, but he blames himself for her death. Spider-Man nearly kills the Green Goblin in retaliation. The Goblin would later die when he is impaled by his own goblin glider in an attempt to kill Spider-Man, and would not return for nearly three hundred issues. However, Gwen Stacy would never return and she became the first loved one of a superhero ever to die. Mary Jane Watson was a close friend of Gwen and would eventually become Peter Parkers second love.

and since when does superhero die!!!

DEATH OF SUPERMAN

Superman met his demise at the hands of Doomsday in 1992. It all played out in issue #75 of Superman (vol. 2). The storyline’s premise was compelling, Superman engaged in battle with a seemingly unstoppable killing beast from ancient Krypton named Doomsday. It all went down in the streets of Metropolis and the battle was merely strength versus strength. Doomsday had the intent on destroying Metropolis. The last son of Krypton put every ounce of strength into his final battle. At the fight’s conclusion, both combatants died from their wounds. Superman died in Lois Lane’s arms. It was a surprising defeat, as Doomsday was an unknown character before these issues. The Death of Superman, which was a multi-issue story, was one of the best selling graphic novels of all time. After the Man of Steel’s death, a crossover depicted the world’s reaction to Superman’s death in “Funeral for a Friend.” In the story four individuals emerge to claim to be the “new” Superman. The original Superman
eventually returns in “Reign of the Supermen!”

2010-07-08T20:55:00.001+08:00

i have a fucking keloid that is going to be permanent T.T mum's gna kill me

2010-07-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

totally cannot stand girls tt keep complaining their fat when they are like sticks and fucking tall? urgh, need to get my diet to start, my mum said that im like fucking fat now in my face -_- have to stop eating like 10 meals a day omfg. my life is sad

2010-06-27T00:00:00.000+08:00

no one falls sick like mad before exam and use com like 17hrs a day and eat oreos, wang wang, cream cake like nobody's business.

no one like me does that.

2010-06-15T11:37:00.000+08:00

like srsly, jc sucks big time.

2010-06-13T21:08:00.000+08:00

i just found every reason to kill my sister <3

2010-06-11T00:41:00.000+08:00

im posting this cos i dont think anyone will be reading anymore, so yeah, saggy butts is damn gross?! make me feel f'ckin old and hag-like

2010-05-01T17:32:00.001+08:00

Plan for today

-jog with ann

-rest

-pack bag

-read newspaper

-sgc

-math!

2010-04-12T20:23:00.000+08:00

2010-01-10T16:45:00.001+08:00

oh, school tmr.

goodluck

2010-01-08T13:07:00.001+08:00

BURNING NOW

i really like this phrase a whole lot

2010-01-07T10:55:00.000+08:00

gg down to the polys with hsien juen later! excited, heard that its gna be a blast at np this year.

tmr's my results day! anw, i cant even get promoted in aj? i alr threw away the hmwk and stuff blarblarblar. i just hope the alternative option works la! if not then see how lorrrrrrrrr

do u guys ever have a huge-ass pimple that is created by two original small pimple? ITS GROSS. its always on my nose la! how to go out later! i shld get a plaster and cover with it. anw, my eyebags are like fucking 2cm thick leh! omggggggg

sometimes blogging is such a chore? not that im a professional blogger to start with. it's time for those crazy short posts again